I am not a “runner by any means, but I am trying really hard to become one. I am fat and slow and I wheeze at times, but I am getting better all the time. I have never been a runner before nor have I ever had the desire TO RUN before so sometimes I amuse my own self while running with the bizarre thoughts doing their own 5K through my head. Please note that almost all of these were in my own head … thankfully.
Yesterday morning I went running on the base. When I arrived, it was just me and older man who was walking. I began with a 5 minute walking warm-up. My thoughts ranged from arguing with the impatient two-year-old in my head …
“Five minutes of walking is boring. Blah. Yuck. I don’t want to do 5 minutes anymore. But the plan says five minutes! I don’t care! Yes, you do! No, I … yes, I do.”
To said two-year-old nearly getting run over by another runner, who felt that he needed to be not only in the lane right next to me (there are five) but almost in MY lane. Yes, I’m possessive.
“HELLO! I’m in the slow people walking lane! You could move over, $%#-HOLE!”
Once I began to run, I did a lap and a quarter before realizing I hadn’t started my stopwatch. I’ve been working on running 3 minutes, walking 1 minute. Sadly, four minutes is usually a lap and a half. Remember I warned you I m slow.
“Well, shit. Forgot to push the button. I pushed it thought, didn’t I? I remember pushing it! Right? Crap. Oh! I’ve run a lap and a half now. Must be three minutes plus. Cool!”
One minute walk. Yay. The last three minutes had gone pretty easily so I decided to try out three and half. My only thoughts during that time were.
“You can do it! You can do it! (Zoom! goes too-close-to-me-runner-boy!) GET THE F%^& OUT OF MY LANE!!!!!!!”
“ARE YOU F^%&-ING KIDDING ME?”
That last part was out loud. I’m not sure how loud because I had my iPod blaring, but I think he may have heard me. Oops.
The three and half minutes went pretty well, but the walking was much-needed. I was very busy deciding on the ethics of tripping runner-boy if he got too close again, and I wasn’t paying attention to the stopwatch while I walked. I accidentally walked a minute ten.
“Crap! RUN!!!!”
For some reason, I decided I needed to make up for my terrible ten seconds of extra walking time. I don’t know who I was justifying to … I’m weird.
“I’ll just run an extra ten seconds. That’ll make up for it, right? But that puts me at three minutes forty seconds. That’s an awkward time. Then I’ll have to add it all weird. So I started running at 4:40 plus 3:40 ….”
I couldn’t do the math. I decided 3:45 would be better. I looked down at the stopwatch. It had already been 3:50!!!! Woohoo! I decided to go for FOUR!!! And I did it! Then I decided to finish all my circuits doing 4 minutes. Partially because four is easier to add than 3:45. I’m not kidding.
“Um, what? That’s a lot of running! You can do it! I’m not sure! Yes you can! You just did. It was a fluke. Can’t do it again! (me, wheezing) Yes, you … okay maybe not.”
Sometimes in my head, as in life, the two-year-old wins.
And sometimes in my head, as in life, I outsmart the two-year-old. I looked down at the stopwatch, and I had already run another 4!!! Woohoo!
Even though my brain was too tired to even add four at this point, I knew I need to do one more run to complete the circuits. I decided to at least try to do a four-minute run.
During that run, I noticed runner-boy was now walking. As I lapped him, I purposely swerved WAY around him to show him how not to run straight up my slow fat ass next time he laps me. Maybe he didn’t get it, but it made me feel smart a little snarky justified better.
After the last four (and bear with my OCD here), I realized that my run time was going to end on an awkward number unless I either walked extra at the end (which we’ve already determined I am bored with) or ran an extra circuit.
“Come on, Jodi. Just do a little 3 1/2 minute run.”
“Okay, sure!” <== The two-year-old AGREED!
So I ran! It only took me about 30 seconds to realize that I had just agreed (with myself…lol) to run A LITTLE 3 1/2 MINUTE RUN! Like it was nothing!
Picture me running the entire last half-lap with my arms in the air like I’m Rocky-freaking-Balboa while Eye of the Tiger plays in the background. Cause, yep! That’s how it felt!
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Awkward? Maybe.
But I ran TWENTY-TWO minutes all together.
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Three days a week, I run with a partner, and we keep up a constant stream of chatter regarding kids, husbands, and upcoming dream 5K’s. Somehow I manage to keep my bizarre inner voice quiet during those runs. Maybe it’s because she keeps the time when we run together, and she NEVER forgets to start the timer. Maybe it’s because we NEVER get too-close-lapped when we run together. Maybe it’s because it would be just TOO awkward if both of us did the Rocky-Balboa-arm-thing at the same time.
But we also don’t run TWENTY-TWO minutes on our runs. Coincidence? The two-year-old and I think not.
